This is an honest account about how I dealt with losing someone I cared about. It is not a piece to belittle that person. I value and respect what once was. I wrote this in hope that maybe ONE person will be able to identify with this. As I had no one to look up to or talk to about this.
I haven't written a personal blog in a while! I will literally just write my thoughts down as I go along. It will not be structured, and most likely not coherent. I think the last time I published a journal was when I had a terrible fight with my sister - *goes to check* - Yup, that was the last time. Wow, so much happened since then and I can't help but to think that things got better because of it. When two people have a disagreement or a falling out, two things can happen:
- You can take the time to learn from the experience and grow, change, evolve.
- You can internalize it, feed in what people think of you, and rot from the inside.
If you are like me, you probably chose the first bullet point. Who wants to rot from the inside, right? This is the reason I am writing this personal experience of mine and sharing it with the world. Maybe someone else will relate and not feel as alone as I did. There is a lot of blogs out there for women to relate to but there is not much for us men. And men are humans, hence we have hearts and obviously, heartbreaks. So here is my story:
Context:
I have been a free agent most of my life. I don't search for nor idealize commitment. Not in the traditional sense. I believe in loyalty, respect, and love. But do I, personally, believe that two people can truly stay committed? No - because love, like sexuality, is fluid. It is constantly changing, constantly evolving. Is it possible for two people to evolve together, though? Absolutely! I never gave 100% of my heart and trust to anyone, in fear of being hurt, of being abandoned; Of being on that other end of change and evolution.
I met someone who changed all of that. I met someone who made me feel like they understood that part of me. I considered this person a friend first, a confident second, and then a lover. Maybe you had someone like this in your life? Someone who didn't need a title for affirmation, but just needed someone to understand them. Nobody needed to know, nobody needed to understand. Because we knew, we understood. You feel a bond so strong that even the most resilient army would fall at your feet. I had never met someone like this.
And so as time flew, and the nest of comfort grew bigger, so did my emotions. As is only natural. I love my friends. All of them equally. The reason for my love changes from one to another, but everyone in my life is loved equally.
Everything (at least on my end) was going good. We had a rough patch where I suggested we remain just friends without the added complications. I was a lot more clued in to what was happening then I let on. I could feel detachment, guilt, and something else, something I couldn't put my finger on. I am always willing to change my relationships if it means building a stronger bond. Again, I believe in evolution. Stagnation is for mosquitoes. But if you've been in this situation or currently living a similar situation, you know that the "just friends" title will not be taken seriously on one side or the other*.
We reconnected once more after that (*told you so). To say that it was one of the best nights of my life is not even giving it justice. I felt warm, I felt loved, I felt understood without pressure. I felt like this was a friend for life. I felt like I had found someone who would enjoy this part of life with me, for however long it lasted. We were goofy, we were having fun! I knew it wasn't going to last. They knew too. But I was happy living that moment, knowing that this would most likely be the best chapter in my life. I suggested we see each other again the following Sunday and to my surprise I was invited for the whole weekend. I was elated. I was happy and excited to spend some time with someone I valued and appreciated so much. And for once, I felt that they valued me as much as I valued them: as a human, looking for understanding. There was only a few days left to the weekend when everything changed.
The End
I will go through the emotions as I experienced them, in that specific order. I will avoid major details because nobody needs the details. I hope you can relate though with how I felt, and maybe it can help you find closure as well.
Confusion:
I was not ready for what happened. I did not see it coming (although part of me was terrified that it would end like this - a fear I had expressed to the other party.) when that call came in on the Wednesday night (or was it a Thursday? You also lose track of time, apparently) I felt like my world had shattered. They were drunk, announcing irrational news, making false assumptions about my emotions and my intentions My emotions were not only discarded, but almost stomped on. I was made to feel like it was my own fault that I got attached, that hearing their life story was not a valid reason to feel connected; as if sharing so many memories, stories, laughs, and intimate moments didn't warrant my worrying. My friend's backstory and drunken state when the phone rang left me in a panic. I was worried, sad, but most of all, I was confused.
I didn't know what was going on? I couldn't understand their reaction, I couldn't understand what was happening to them? This news was just dumped on me and then I was expected to rationalize it, without question, without worry. As if I wasn't a human, a friend. This is how confusion begins. You are meant to see a side of someone until they can't keep up anymore. You are shown a world that doesn't exist. And when that world shatters, it hurts. And then everything is left in the air for you to grasp and remove responsibility from THEIR hands. Do not take that responsibility. Do not ask questions. Do not dive into waters that were troubled and gloomy before the storm even arrived. I tried so hard to explain that I even understood why they were angry at me. That's how compassion works. When you can look at your actions and accept that they weren't always the best for the other person. That was sadly not reciprocated.
I spent countless hours and sleepless nights trying to figure out why they couldn't open up to me NOW, when they had opened up to me so much before. I had heard this person in every state imagineable: confused, sad, angry. Why were they blocking me out, now? This question bothered me for days, prevented me from sleeping and working and just plain living. It was eating me inside.
Sadness:
Once the confusion subsided and I kinda felt like I've got some answers (because let's be honest, they don't want to give you answers, that'll hurt THEM too much. They don't want to think about it - remember, they are removing the responsibility from the equation. They leave it up to you to figure everything out.) that is when the sadness kicks in. I remembered the way we met, how we cultivated our likes and our dislikes, the laughter, the jokes, the tricks, the adventure, the compassion, the grins, the fun, the lust. Everything comes flooding back. I remembered being there, unconditionally, because my heart ached when their heart ached. We had shared similar stories. That is sympathy. And it is NOT excluded from friendship.
My heart tugged and I cried on more occasions that I'd be glad to admit. I felt ripped apart. I couldn't watch TV, couldn't listen to music. I stopped cleaning, stopped eating. I surrounded myself with friends, the true kind that accept it all in the name of love. My couch really was my savior and my best friend. (love you, couch ♥) Everything good that had happened had been somehow tainted on their side. I had been painted as something bad, something to be eliminated. I stopped asking questions about why. I didn't need to know anymore. I knew that their sadness and their pain needed to be evacuated. Maybe they didn't remember, but I held onto every single tear that person shed, every single word that pained them. I was ready to be a shield for that, to absorb anything and everything and say: **Tell me everything bad, tell me how you feel, scream at ME like you would scream at those who hurt you. I can take it, cause I care.** It made me sad that instead of using this to vent and to let the bad out, it was used to hurt me, to insult me and belittle me. The pain in some can be so deep and so cruel that they feel the need for you to feel that way too.
Don't be sad. Don't doubt yourself. Don't take it personally. Cherish the good moments, value the relationship like an adult. If you felt good, if you felt right at that time, do not turn around and discredit your emotions. Don't shame your memories. Be glad you had good moments with someone. Regardless of the outcome. Not everyone has the power to do this, but if you're like me and you love too much, keep this thought in mind. Keep that love growing because maybe they still feel it. And maybe it will help them find solace.
Anger
This is the tricky one. I've had to let go of relationships before and maybe the reason this one hurts so much is because it fell apart for no valid reasons. There was no effort made, there was no drama, no fights to invite this kind of outcome. I end all my relationships on a positive note now that I'm an adult. And since I had no closure on my confusion and had to make up my own scenario of why this happened, and that my sadness was brought upon a situation I had little to no control over, anger settled in like desperate Europeans in the time of colonization.
I was angry at myself for not reacting the way THEY wanted me to react. I was angry at them for being so evasive of my questions, my RIGHT to now what I did to cause so much pain to them. From my point of view, I was more than an okay friend. And when you start listing off the things YOU did for the relationship VS what THEY did for the relationship, that is pretty much when anger reaches it's boiling point. Especially when you (I'm assuming if you made it this far, you relate as a "person who loves too much") invested so much in someone. All I wanted in return was respect and appreciation, as do most of us who love too much. We accept that we love too much. We just want respect back. It made me angry that they weren't listening to me but asking me to listen to them. I was angry that they were calling me a hater and a ho when they were the one with bad habits and hurting people in the midst of it. I was angry that I was being told I couldn't understand as if I was a child, when I was standing there, broken hearted, ready to absorb all of the anger they possessed while having my own emotions, my own words twisted around and used against me. Understanding is a two way street. It made me angry that I was being completely pushed aside, as if I was nothing more than a fuck and a dreamcatcher. Absorbing all the dark and emitting nothing but light. It made me angry that I thought that everything they were telling me was for a reason, when in fact, it was for game. I was angry that I had fallen in the spider's lair.
Live that anger. But don't let it live in you. People separate emotions in two categories: bad emotions and good emotions. In fact, ALL emotions are healthy when expressed correctly. So weigh your words, think of what you want to say, remain honest but humble and polite. Like my idol Lana Del Rey muses in one of her songs: "It's fine if you're hateful, just as long as you remain grateful". Some people get so angry and are so used to being neglected for it that they assume the worst. They don't know what a good relationship is. It's easier for them to dump on you and leave then stay to see how you react. They don't care that it can get better, they only focus on their own mistakes and how you might leave them for it. They don't understand that you're there regardless. And that made me so angry. If you are willing to put up with anything, like I had, then do it. Strive for it. Forgive the lies, the shadiness, the plotholes, the unnecessary grievance. Forgive it all. But when the person tears down the wall, assume no responsability. You only cared and they LOVED that you cared until it became too much for them. Not for you. When someone assumes the worst in you, seek out the answer. That is your right to know. Don't forget it. Even if the person decides to cut you out. I am letting go of my anger, my confusion, and my sadness through this.
Acceptance
This right here, ladies and gents! This is the tough part. I didn't want to accept it. To me, accepting it was accepting defeat. That I wasn't good enough to help, that I had to change to please this person. **Why can't they see I care? This is making me sad. OMG NOW IM ANGRY** And when the confusion passed (trust me, once anger settles in, who the fuck thinks about confusion?) and the sadness (which right now I feel like will last forever), and that you managed and controlled your anger (omg I'm imagining the things I would have done if I had NO self-control over my mind and respect - still, imagine - for the other person), you get to the point where you just accept it. I accepted that this was not the healthiest of relationships. I accepted that my love and understanding was no longer welcomed. I accepted that I was just another pawn in their game. It's hard to accept but I promise it gets better. Look in the mirror, really look, and think of all the people you met in your life. Think of all the nice things they said about you, how they smiled and cherished your presence. Those are the people who will help you get through the hurting and the grieving. Not the person who caused it. Do not search for acceptance from him or her. I did and I swear it was the biggest mistake I made in all of this. It just made me repeat this cycle all over again.
This is the point where you repeat this to yourself: they aren't necessarily a bad person. But I was treated badly. And I can't forget that. I can't white-wash it because the other person had "reasons" to be mean. It doesn't come easy to all, and sometimes it doesn't come at all, but I accept that I made bad choices in my life, I talk about them freely. I am not saying this to be pompous, I am saying this for people to relate and understand where I am coming from. Communication is key. It always was and always will. I talk about the bad that was done, doesn't mean I think the person is bad.
What helped (and is still helping, this is all very fresh to me) was having my friends around me. What made it tougher for me is that the relationship was not one that I could talk about openly. If you're living this type of relationship, be careful. I was okay with it - as stated above, I felt no need to share or define what we had because it just was, great and vast and amazing - but now that it is over, it is hard to process and digest without the thoughts and input of others. I value other people's emotions and experience so, so much. Being vague about what is happening can be ten times more debilitating. Just remember not to hurt the other person. They are not hurting you because they want to, they are hurting you because they don't know any better. Remind them of why you were there, why you cared. Remind them that life is good, that they are good people. If they are hurting someone they just said they cared about, then they must be hurting. A lot. Keep that in mind. Even if they keep swearing and cursing at you. It may change nothing, but never stop giving it your all. Be yourself. Do what you would have wanted them to do for you. It's not about being perfect, it's about being compassionate. It's about understanding where YOU come from and also understanding where THEY come from, regardless of it they recognize that or not. At the end of the day, you are the one resting your head and living with your thoughts. Just make sure they're good. Be proud that you are strong enough to support both of you. Even when the other decides that it never happened that way. Denial is a bad fruit, one that rots once you ingest it. Don't eat it, even when offered.
Outcome
I feel like I just wrote everything so fast that it doesn't make sense. But then again, this whole situation seems out of this world to me. I talk as if my emotions have passed but I'm still hurting. I'm no longer confused, nor sad, nor angry. I guess I can say I'm a mix of all three, but just a bit. I think of all the charity work I did, all the people I listened to and helped along my perilous road called Kevin's Life, of the downs I went through in my early 20's trying so desperately to understand myself. How I had wished to have someone who understood me then like I was for my friend. My friend. It stings a bit writing this. As if it wasn't true, as if it was a character I had written and fell in love with, unable to kill them off or write them out of the story. Admitting you are hurt is not a weakness. It is a strength. Because now you know you have to move on, you have to take that pain and build something with it. Live it but don't let it live in you.
If you love too much, like I do, don't feel bad about it. You'll find a friend, a confident, a lover, whatever, that will accept that. They won't judge you, hate you, bully you, belittle you because of it. They will cherish you, they will say how much they appreciate you, and how much they value your input, care, and understanding. They will do this out of love, and not because they feel it is "kissing someone's ass". Being nice is normal. It is so very normal. To expect kindness is normal. Everything else is not. They will not be afraid to show their dark side, or express anger because they'll know you care. They'll know you will stand by anything. Not everything is perfect, but it doesn't have to be when love is involved. Once you find that person, they will not twist your words around to fit their lies and purpose. I am blessed to say I have many people like this in my life. Is it sad that I couldn't reach that person? Sure it is. Will I beat myself over what-a, could-a, should-a? No, I won't. I gave my all, what more could I have given?
If you've given everything you got, remained yourself, you were nice and polite but firm, then there should be no regrets. Be yourself. Be happy. Be the change you want to see in this world. Live. Laugh. Love. Forgive and forget. And most importantly, do not regret. Leave that to the other person. The one who can't accept that love isn't always easy. It isn't always what we see in movies. Love cannot be defined by relationships, expectations, societal pressure, and boxes that can be checked off. But you, reader, already know that. Because you love too much, like I do.
Candles are out,
Eleven's Ink
